Oh, no! Not a Bloody Ring again!
by crisundomiel
Summary: This fic is a crossover between The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. In my magic Universe they are part of the same story. It's pure comedy believe me. We have Gandalf in shorts, Gimli is a pervert and Frodo is a big Harry Potter's fan. Have fun!
1. Aragorn's call

Disclaimer: I would like to say that all the characters in my fic, as well as their background belong to J. R. R. Tolkien and J. K. Rowling. I have no intention to take any profit on it. I just own the plot and nothing else. I hope you enjoy it.

"Oh, no! Not a bloody Ring again!"

By: cris.carla

Part one:

The Return of the ring of power

I

Aragorn's call

Once upon a time there was a little Hobbit down at the beach listening to the gulls and relaxing under the sun while the waves died on the sand. Frodo Baggins was laying down on a Harry Potter's towel he had recently acquired in a Harry Potter's fan site on the net. He was of course at one of the most beautiful beaches of Tol Eressea and the favourite of the hottest elf babes from all over the Island.

He was starting to fall asleep when someone brutally shook him up. He looked around very confused and he realised that his cousin Bilbo had been the vicious creature who had dared to bother him from his beauty rest.

" What is it Old man?" asked Frodo impatiently. "If you're here to ask me again by that stupid old ring, I regret to inform you for the thousand time that it is lost forever, thank God, and you won't be able to hold it in your hand one last time. Got it? Now take a hike and live me be."

" But my precious nephew…"

" I AM NOT YOU'RE NEPHEW! I AM YOU'RE COUSIN!"

"But… But…"

"Besides I went to see Madam Galadriel and her Crystal Ball and she told me to keep my nose out of trouble that no trouble would come to me.

"But it's not that my precious nephew…"

" I AM NOT YOU'RE… Oh! Never mind."

"Yes, my precious nephew. But I only came here to tell you that your cell phone was ringing over and over again and I…"

"What? Why didn't you say so before? I bet it was a hot elf babe inviting me to the Rocking in Eressëa concert tonight. I heard The Weird Sisters are playing tonight and…"

" But Frodo your cell phone…"

"Oh! Give it here you old senile." Frodo picked up the phone.

"Hello! Yes, this is Frodo speaking, the last ring bearer of the infernal ring of power that was finally destroyed after I put my feet in Gollum's way making him trip and fell into the lava mouth. Who is this? Who? The King of where? Cité D'or? Oh! Gondor! Aragorn, of course. How are you man? Hey tell me one thing is it true that your wife Arwen had an affair with the old Tree Beard? Wow leave Anduril alone don't you think that you're a little old for that? Hey cut it out ok? All right. All right. I'm sorry, OK? So why did you called anyway? You can only tell me in person? What can be so important? Do I really have to go? I know I have pledged my allegiance to you but… Oh yeah? Why don't you come and make me? You will send an Owl to Gandalf? I'm so scared. What can that decrepit and senile old Wizard can do to me? He will turn me in to a what? Maybe I can go pay you a visit you after all. OK. See you tomorrow then." Frodo hang up and turned to Bilbo who had been standing there waiting for instructions.

"Hey Bilbo! Tomorrow I'm going to Middle Earth to visit old King Aragorn. Don't wait up for me I will probably stay there for a while. Don't go wild while I'm gone and stay inside our Polly Pocket mansion. I don't want you wondering around while I'm gone."

"But Gandalf said…"

"Who cares what that prehistoric creature says?"

"hahaham…" Someone cuffed behind Frodo and he turned to see who was there.

"Greetings Hobbits how may I assist you!" Frodo swallowed hard. "Gandalf the tanned" was smiling at him behind his long white bear. Apparently he hadn't heard what he had just said and he looked quite calm. Fordo sighed in relief and then took his time to examine the old wizard's bizarre look. Gandalf was wearing orange shorts with white horses on them and a T. shirt that said "Harry Potter lives"

"It's wonderful to see you Gandalf" and he jumped onto the wizard's lap.

All the elves down at the beach froze at that scene and Gandalf got so embarrassed that he swiftly dropped Frodo and then he quickly took out of his pocket a neurilazer, he usually carried one just in case, and then he erased the memory of all the elves that had seen such an embarrassing scene.

" Auch! My booty hurts." said Frodo looking angrily at Gandalf.

"Sorry about that little fellow but I have a reputation to maintain. Do you know how hard it was to convince people I was straight after they were told that I had travelled with Legolas in such a long journey? Everyone around here knows that he abandoned his bride in the altar and took of with a Dwarf. He claimed they where only friends but we better than anyone know he was a strange elf. I mean how many times did we caught him spying Aragorn as he was taking a bath?"

"As I recall it weren't that many. After all Aragorn took a bath, what? Two maybe three times along the journey." Frodo laughed hard at his brilliant sense of humour but he was the only one.

"That is all part of the past now anyway. Let's concentrate on the present for now that's why I'm here. King Aragorn has sent me Pig and he wants me to take you and some of our old friends with us. You remember Pig, don't you?"

Pig had been a wedding gift from Gandalf's brother, Dumbledore to Aragorn. He had not been present at the ceremony because he was occupied trying to destroy a guy named Voldelord or something like that and so he sent the King that little Owl that was adorable at first sight but it could turn into a monstrous demon if someone somehow got on her nerves. She had belonged to a red headed young wizard who had sold her to Dumbledore for a few knuts. Apparently he was quite anxious to get rid of her and who could blame him. Dumbledore on the other hand seemed to have seen in her some greatness for he had sent her as a gift to a king. That or he simply was broke.

"Sure I remember. How is old Pig?"

"She's locked in a cage I'm afraid. I had to stun her six times to get the message from her and another six to lock her on the cage. The Bloody bird's a menace. I told Aragorn he shouldn't let her drink all that caffeine but you know kings. The only voice they listen to is their ego's voice. "

"You got that Wright. By the way can you tell what urgent matter made Aragorn call for us?"

"Of course I do, but I'm not going to tell you. What I can tell you is that I have already contacted Gimli and Legolas and they'll meet us at the cabine I have by the lake. Once there we will use a "portkey" that will take us to Gondor."

"Why don´t we use floo pouder" said Frodo surprised.

"Because I am out of floo pouder. I went to a lot of trouble to contact Gimli, you know?

"Don't tell me he is involved with another married elf?" said Bilbo "I mean… he broke poor Galadriel's heart. Celeborn abandoned her after she gave birth to two bearded little twin elves and still he ditched her as soon as he got bored. He didn't even want to admit he was the father of Galadrimli and Gimlodriel but Manwë, the Valar, Lord of all creatures of Middle Earth sent him a "Howler" ordering him to make the DNA test and he had no other option.

"I'm very aware of that but…"

"And did you know that the few coins he gives her to help her raise the children is not enough and she had to become a Fortune teller to make a living during the day and she is a striper in a some club at night."

"What?" said Frodo and Gandalf in one voice.

"And how the hack do you know that?" said Frodo looking inquisitively at Bilbo.

"I… I…" mumbled Bilbo " A friend of mine told me.

"Sure he did." said Frodo in a disbelief voice."

"In any case he has really done it this time." said Gandalf with a serious expression "He was having an affair with Celebrian, Arwen's mother, and Elrond found out."

"Oh! My Good! Elrond is going to kill him or worst he's going to make him a eunuch."

"He almost did but Gimli is the luckiest and the canniest bustard we have ever known. Elrond tripped in his robes and Gimli got out of there as fast as he could. He is being searched by Elrond's guards all over the island."

"And how did you find him?"

"Well I found him where no one else would ever look, In a Book shop. He was having a conversation with Shelob's husband a wizard named Lockhart. He was signing him a copy of his new book "Queen Shelob".

"Shelob, the monstrous spider, got married."

"Indeed. Aparently the poor guy is not very sane. I heard that the magic mirror on the wall has told him that Snape was the fairest of them all and he flipped."

"The greasy Snape?" said Frodo stunned.

"That's the one. His member of my brother's staff at Hogwarts."

"But Gandalf is the mirror insane as well. That Creature is as beautiful as Shelob herself."

"I don't know, maybe the batteries of the mirror were out. Anyhow word is that Lockhart got married with Shelob because she was Sauron's only heir and she got loaded after he was destroyed."

"It's amazing what one can do for money and power. I wonder how they do it"

"Frodo Baggins. What they do when they are alone is their business not yours." said Gandalf in an angry tone of voice. "Besides we have better things to do right now."

"I was just wondering, no need to get mad." Frodo then turned to Bilbo. "Bilbo, my dear cousin I bid you farewell." Bilbo sobbed.

"Good Bye my dear nephew." and he started crying.

"For the last time. I am not you're nephew. I am you're cousin you senile freak of nature. Auuuuch! That hurts Gandalf!" Gandalf had just hit him with his staff.

"Apologise to your uncle!"

"He is not my… Auuuuuuch! I'm sorry uncle Bilbo."

"I forgive you my dear nephew." said Bilbo smilling and then he turned to the wizard.

"Good bye my dear friend. And take care."

"I will my friend. I will."

Frodo and Gandalf hopped on Gandalf's magic carpet and after he turn on the air conditioner they were off to another adventure together. A calmer one hoped Frodo while they flew away.

A/N: Please read and review, I will be waiting anxiously by my Pc day and night until I perish of hunger and thirst, or until I see some hot guy through my window :).


	2. At Gandalf's Cabin

Disclaimer: All the characters in my fic, as well as their background belong to J. R. R. Tolkien and J. K. Rowling. I just own the plot and nothing else. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Have Fun!

"Oh, no! Not a bloody Ring again!"

By: cris.carla

Part one:

The Return of the ring of power

II

At Gandalf's Cabin

_Gimli and Legolas are having a discussion right in front of Gandalf's cabin. The good-looking and very stylish elf is admiring his stunning image in a mirror while the bearded Dwarf is waving his axe around in a very manly way._

"The old wizard is not home. Let's find a nice married she-elf to harass Ok?" said Gimli enthusiastically.

"My bearded, ugly and unfashionable Dwarf friend" said Legolas patiently as he started to comb his hair "Gandalf told us to meet him here. I'm sure he'll be arriving soon."

"What if he doesn't?"

"Be patient, my friend. My elvish inner sight tells me that he won't take too lon…Oh! My God!"

"What is it? What did you're elvish inner eye showed you?"

"I just broke a nail!"

"You are a disgrace to all the Middle Earth males, did you know that."

"Actually…" said Legolas polishing his nails "I think I'm the cleverest of them all. The elf babes absolutely adore me. I bond with them in a way you can't possibly imagine."

"Kinky!" Gimli said with dreamy gaze.

"Yes, it is." Gimli shook his head to wake himself up from the weird fantasy he was having.

"I still think that a man that can call himself a Man has to be sloppy, dirty and smelly. Look at King Aragorn for an example, he became king and got married with that hot Elf babe."

"Using Aragorn as a male model role isn't very smart. Not only is he sloppy and smelly, he is also rude, violent and has no fashion sense whatsoever."

"So? He still married that dazzling beauty hasn't he?"

"He did, but not because of his so called _male qualities _that you have mentioned before." Gimly frowned.

"Really? Why did she marry him, then?

"The tiara, my dear friend. It's so obvious. She only did it so that she could wear a tiara. She doesn't care about him. Haven't you heard about her little escapades?" Gimli shook his head "Well, apparently she is having a little affair with our old friend _Treebeard_."

"No way!" said Gimli looking really astonished "What could she possibly see in him?"

"Word is that he has certain male attributes that make girls crazy."

"Attributes? You mean he is sloppy, dirty and smelly?"

"The small and bearded fellows are so obtuse."

"Who are you calling obtuse you little abnormal."

"And who are you calling pointy eared you filthy little peck?"

"Peck? Peck? Now you're gonna get it. You're gonna _eat_ my axe.

"And you're gonna _eat_ my bow."

Legolas grasped Gimli's axe and the other one grasped his bow.

"Wow! You're axe is really tasty. Yummy, strawberry and vanilla is it?

"Hey and you're bow is so delicious. I love chocolate and nuts. Oh! And this honey flavour, it's absolutely perfect."

"Are we interrupting something?" Gandalf asked.

Frodo and him had been standing there for the past ten minutes and were looking astonished at them.

"Oh, no!" said Legolas swallowing the last piece of Gimli's axe "We were just having a snack."

"Frodo! My dear lad it's been a while."

"Hey guys it's been a while since I last saw you."

"Indeed. But I'm glad to see you again."

"As am I."

"And how is you're uncle doing?"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, HE IS NOT MY UNCLE!"

"Hey! Watch you're tongue you little rascal or you will taste my axe." Frodo smiled.

"Legolas has already eaten it, remember." Gimli turned his gaze to the Elf.

"You have finished eating eat already?"

"I couldn't resist, it was so tasty."

"You are such a glutton."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am Not. Am Not. Am Not. Am Not. Am Not. Am Not."

"Are too. Are too. Are too. Are too. Are too. Are too."

"Stop it you too or I'll hex you to oblivion." Legolas and Gimli immediately stopped fighting, they knew Gandalf very well and they knew he was not joking.

The wizard took a little silver key out of his pocket and opened the door. He entered his cabin and the other ones followed him.

The tiny owl called Pig was locked in a cage right in the middle of the room looking harmlessly at them. But she didn't deceived anyone with that innocent look because they were aware of her bad-tempered behaviour when she was mad.

Gandalf explained to the Dwarf and the Elf his plan of turning Pig into a Portkey that would take them to Minas Tirith and they all thought he had gone mad but they said nothing. Gandalf could be even worse than Pig when he was angry.

All the eyes were fixed upon the Owl and Gandalf prepared to open the cage. It was not going to be easy but it had to be done. Aragorn had summoned them and it was their duty to serve him. After all they had sworn him allegiance.

A/N: Please read and review it will mean a lot to me :)

Till my next chapter,

cris.carla


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